MY Wife Journal #4

04/16/2023

 

Today was nice and mellow with a touch of the Holy Spirit. Moments like this I like to embrace the peace and ambiance of what it means to rest in the Lord. Sometimes my days don’t look like this, but I am thankful for it all. I was thinking about how much I’ve overcame today and this question crossed my mind and it was this: Do I miss my past life? The life where sin was fun! I can’t say that I do. But I have not forgot, the fun, the ugly, the pain, the perverseness, and whatever else came with that life. Those are the moments that got me where I am now. The destruction that I was allowing in my life. I can only imagine what a person could tell what my spirit was all about while I was in the world, because the things I see on people now is beyond me.

Most times if I have a word to deliver to someone, that means that look, if it gets at my desk at the throne of God than uh, you need to change some stuff up, asap. But most wouldn’t know that about me now. Just Fyi, I am a little late on posting this journal as you can see from the top of the page because I am just now getting back to writing as of today which is May 1, 2023, at 5:12 p.m. Reason is because I have been getting ready for my teaching and then I started getting a little deeper in the word, but I had a little time today to do this. But I was just thinking about the place I am in, at this point in my life, and I just feel like I am in a way better position than I have ever been in my entire life. I know what true peace, joy, and love is. I know how to love correctly; I know where to find true love now which helps me to walk in my femininity more. I can express myself in a more positive tone, and atmosphere with a calm attitude, and if I see myself trying to walk in the flesh, I will apologize and digress most times immediately. Which is like not me in past times, because I would reach a certain point, let’s just say it became real toxic real quick! I mean, I’m talking throwing bows. Like it wasn’t no calming down. But you know what, when you grow up in dysfunction you end up allowing that stuff to trinkle into your own life. And I’ll be honest, my past is not clean by no means. I have done some hurtful things, and by no means have I ever intentionally intended on hurting them, but hurt people hurt people. I know both ends of the spectrum, and to be honest, I have always had a first true love in my life. He was my everything. I mean I was walking miles to go and see him and tried to lie about it knowing I just had to get to him. Lol I was in love!!!!! He gave me two great blessings out of 10 plus years of hurt with a pinch of love, that neither one of us knew what it really meant. So, I just continued in it, no matter the level of toxicity. Because it’s not like it was working on those thousands of “breaks” we took from one another. Nah, it was like toxic finds toxic again! Lol Like real talk. But through all of it, I still loved this man for a long time. Long time!!! Until one day, it just clicked that that nice house and nice car and family and loved ones surrounded and that fairy tale wedding that I just knew was going to happen July 4, 2010, was going to be my big day with this man. I don’t even remember if he remembers that, but he has a great memory so, maybe so. But needless to say, this man is an exceptional hustler from the day I met him, he held it down. We had moments when he would literally walk like 2.5 miles to go bring back a cart full of groceries and I was embarrassed because of what people would say. But that man did not care, he was going to go and get the food, and made stuff happen. And never once asked me for a penny. Even if he didn’t have it, he just never did.

I was speechless most times to see how he would come through when Christmas was almost out of the question. But honestly, I had to accept the pain that we could not overcome and walked away with the intent to change. But how was I going to change if I still hadn’t known what life was like outside of what I thought would once be a thing? I had no clue because I didn’t have God, and honestly during that toxic stage of us dating I would not have been able to express this side of me, but now that I am truly walking in my femininity and know my boundaries, my values, and what true love is, I can do this, without it feeling weird, uncomfortable, or embarrassed. I mean yeah, I’m grown I should be able to, but being grown does not justify the capability to be vulnerable. Do you know how hard that is, when you don’t know true love? Slim to nothing. There is no reassurance in that, no respectful reciprocal love in that. So, it’s only up from here.

          So, what I am saying, is that now that I’m not only older and walking in love, I can also walk in forgiveness. I can walk in the way of the Lord because I overcame the hurt, the pain of not knowing how to love right at the time that I thought true love was being introduced in my life. I can say that my future does not have to be my past, by allowing myself the place of expression, with the ability of knowing that life must go on. And sometimes, when we think we found true love, is when we most times, find that God has and always will be the focal point of true love. How to truly love who you are and how God has made us. The kind of love that allows you to express vulnerability without shame or guilt.

          And at this point, I know that life must go on, because what we want is not always what we need. But I needed that hurt and pain, and to see with what I thought was love, can actually be the opposite and in turn find out what true love is now in God, and walk in who God has made me to be. I chose to write about this today, because love is not blind, we are! And when we take the blinders off, we can see better, and that is what I decided to do.

          So, your past doesn’t have to be your present, saying sorry and moving forward and being able to express that with this person for five hours one day, helped me realize that closure is always needed to move on with your life. Can I change the past? No, no one can; but I can change my future, and that is what I decided to do. So why don’t you do the same? It’s only right that we all do it, find true love, through Christ first!!

 

And to my future husband, I can honestly say that knowing what a wife feels like is the biggest blessing I could ever feel, because I have longed for this. But I got tired at one point, like um, okay, I have been abstaining, I have been walking in purity; when Lord, When? And, the moment I let it go, is when I started walking in wife mode. And I haven’t even met you and already feel married. I can only imagine when I do what that’ll feel like. Lol! I wanted to share this side of my life to you especially, because I have loved before God, and will now love after God and that is you. I’m excited, but with a mellow mix with it. Lol, I been pretty busy with my teaching, I speak more about that in Journal #5. But talk soon!!!

 

Signed,

Your Wife