My Wife Journal #2

 My Wife Journal #2 

04/09/2023

So, I was going to go to my secret place today by the water, but I had to get a few things off my chest because Ill be honest, I go sit by the water because it’s calming for me in this raging world. This world that’s just falling into shambles because of the hate that is in so many of our hearts and most of us don’t realize it or take heed to what’s going on. But if you’re spiritual enough you can sense it in the spiritual world. The things I see in the spiritual world is beyond me. I know that’s why the devil fights me so much! Because honestly, I go to the waterfront because I get discouraged about life. 

Since 2019, really longer to be honest, I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride of events in my life. It’s like, for a couple of months my life will be great, and then it’s like boom something else comes about. And before I gave my life to Christ, the devil didn’t really fight me. It was like in 2019 the enemy sent someone into my life to distract me, and the distraction was successful for a time. In the beginning, this distraction felt like a high. Like I experienced all kinds of luxury things, but at times I still felt empty. So, I wasn’t necessarily going through a battle, when it comes to what my life looks like now. No, I was going through the distraction of the lust of the flesh, the pride of life, and lust of the eye. I went after what looked good. I went after the “nicer” things because I thought this distraction was the one. But when the abuse became worse, I had to find my way and the way out was through Christ. 

I was literally going through birthing pangs with the emotional trauma, and still trying to build myself back up from all of the hate that kept coming my way. I was like in a trance during these 9 months. I went through hell for 9 months straight because this distraction was so not going to leave. And I noticed the more I prayed the harder I was fought by the enemy in different areas of my life. I was finding out who was really against me and who was really for me and started seeing how the holy spirit was showing me the people around me their true colors. And I’ll be honest, I had been knowing about one in particular for years. I think it was one of those things that you just did not want to believe, so you walked around with a lie as if they weren’t really against you. Because the foul things that were said about me when I got this novel of a message in my messenger was all over the place about my entire life which was drama from the start, which further let me know how certain nuggets got to this individual who messaged me. And what’s crazy is that I was accused of something I did not do. But that’s for a different story on a different day. 

Just a disclaimer, this is my truth so let me tell my truth. I know this is ultimately for my husband, but I am also making this public because believers go through a lot, especially the ones that are chosen. So, I want to be transparent about life. Because the truth is, that we as believers are going to have to always find our rest in Christ, because of the hate in this world. The hate in people’s heart is what is driving this world into destruction. It’s sad but true. But anyway, back to my life.

So, yea! When I finally heard God tell me what to do about my distraction, I did it and that is when financial hell broke out. I mean I was selling things to make it work. Around this time, in which I did not know it at the time, but there were some people and yes, I know who all was involved, is when I noticed that witchcraft was present around and in my life. I knew that God was covering and protecting me but while it was all going on I wanted to confront these people. But we wrestle not against flesh and blood, and that is what kept coming to me because some of the people were close to home that interacted with these things. And one thing we have to understand is that witchcraft is real, just as much as God is present and will always have the victory for those that serve Him. And honestly, if these people haven’t started experiencing the wrath of God in their life yet, oh trust and believe it’s coming. God says touch not my anointed nor do my prophets no harm. And baby I am both!!! Lol But yeah seriously, things always come back full circle, that’s why I sit back and relax and stay grounded in my word and prayer now that I know how and what can defeat hate. 

Needless to say, when it was getting closer for me to move, I had no clue as to where we were going, because I had to literally walk away from everything. And when I say God gave me so much peace, about not knowing what the heck was going on, but at times a lot of times rather, I would cry. Because I did not want to go to where I felt like I was going and where I actually ended up going, which was a relative’s house. I prayed against it for months. Lol. But I still ended up going and did not know I was going until the day I had to be out of my house because I was not renewing my lease. And nothing against my relatives in any way, I just knew I would be uncomfortable, but I was uncomfortable at my own house. It’s just one of those things where your people house be super comfortable when you know you got a house to go back too. Lol. But I did not want to intrude on what they had going on, but God had other plans for me. 

And I know now that it was for a reason, in which I know the reasons now. God had given me a dream a few months prior to going to my relative’s house, about the condition that my relative was in spiritually, and I was in the midst of interceding for them in the background as much as I possibly could, mean while I was still fighting my financial issues and people hacking my phone and the witchcraft that was trying to operate in my life. But I learned a lot from living with them as well. I was able to see what a model ministry marriage looked like, because I grew up in the most dysfunctional era in my family and did not get to see what a God centered marriage looked like. Even during this time, I had no idea that God had me on a mission for what is bringing me to start teaching in the gospel. And all of this was going on for 7 months while God was preparing me for ministry and stripping me of all my fleshy scales of things I had within me. 

When I say that God does have a fine job of stripping us when we surrender. Whooooooaaa, lol its not funny but man it’s like all you can do is look back and laugh because we can’t get through nothing without God when the enemy fights us. Because I had no more strength left. And thankfully, I had some kind of income but even where I was working around this time, I was feeling the uncomfortable feeling happening again. And I did not know how to tell my family that I feel God is telling me that ministry is my full-time job. Between prayer, bible time, and being sent out on missions, and the times that the holy spirit will have me get up and pray and intercede on behalf of people is not normal. So, I had no way of explaining it, and honestly, I am really just now embracing this because I read in 1 Corinthians 9:14 how Paul states, even so the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should live from the gospel. In English terms, the gospel or rather God will supply all of your needs when you’re in ministry. And I have been doing this for a few years now which is why I am discouraged today.

Because I know what God is showing me right now and teaching me during this time, and when you have a high calling over your life you have to be ready on top of ready. And being in the carnal nature, working in atmospheres that just don’t line up with your spiritual walk will make you severely uncomfortable and force you to just trust God and believe he’ll work it all out. 

What most of us don’t realize is that all believers will at one point, or another be in my same exact position because at that point we won’t have a choice because we know that if we accept the mark there will be no coming back from receiving it. God showed me that the mass majority of believers are not ready, and a lot will give in because honestly, do you see how easy it was for people to go out and get the shot? I mean really! That was super insane. But the reality of it all, is that God has been preparing me strategically for the end times because I see that we are inching our way to a cashless society which in turn means, we must survive through the faith of God. 

But like I said, this is not fun by the least, its peaceful now, trust me I’ve already been through the snot nose roscoe stage, and begging and pleading to take this bitter cup away. But for some reason I always get this reassuring feeling that God is making everything fall into place. I feel like at some point I will be teaching on how to have that faith that none of these motivational pastors speak on. And yes, I said motivational speakers. I say that because out of all the pastors I see, there are only a hand full of pastors that teach the church how to get ready for the return of the Messiah. Sad but true. Prime reason why I will be doing it. 

Oh well, let me say this, God has put me on a course of no return of the old. It was like during the time that I was going through my refining stage, I was finding who I was. And it was painful to be in that position. It’s almost like your soul is just done but you still for some reason got this smidget of strength to keep pressing forward that just keeps you in the battle to remain a believer. It’s like, now God truly has a way of surprising me here lately. But it came over time, and now that I know our authority, I speak it with boldness. It’s just one of those things where you have to really know who you are in order to know this kind of authority.

So, who am I: I was a servant before I was anything else in the ministry. I started this ministry in 2015 during the many times I came crawling back to Christ. And during the times I was in the world I would leave it, and when I came back, I was back working on the ministry. So, when I initially started, I was in the street ministry serving the homeless. I was giving back food, bibles, clothes, water and just essential items and prayer. And eventually I started noticing how much I loved to be in prayer. I mean loved just to be in God’s presence so I noticed that I was an intercessor. And this last time I came crawling back to God, I noticed that I was a prophet, and you can’t be a prophet if you’re not a teacher. So, yall watch out for these false prophets, they should also be teaching along with prophecy. Just giving you your life story is not of God. If you read the word, you will know this about prophets that they went on missions teaching the word, healing with the baptism of the holy spirit after Christ ascended. 

So, with this calling I have to be grounded in what I do, I have times where I have to be in prayer and intercede on the world and when I do that, I feel the weight of the world on me. I go into deep immense war pains and have to use my war language to fight. I war on behalf of the church as well, all the while having to handle my own personal life. So, you can somewhat see why this ministry has to be full time work. I am very serious about this because this is the only area, I have found peace in when it comes to work. It’s like my spirit just does not fit in anywhere else. I remember not too long ago, I was visiting a small church and the bishop got on the mic and we were all standing, and she pointed me out and said wow, you stand out like a sore thumb. Lol I was like, I don’t know how to take that, of course she had more to say after that, but the point is, is that I went home googling the phrase because the way she said that gesture was not sitting well with me. And what I gathered from the meaning was that you are a peculiar person, or weird. And I was like yea, I have been called weird a time or two in my life. But honestly, I been told that I’m a mystery majority of time, like men can never figure me out. Well guess what, I couldn’t even figure myself out, because I had no recollection of who I even was. I mean I had moments where looking in the mirror was non-existent because I was ashamed of who I was.

It of course is a different story now, and when you know who you are, you tend to become a head turner. Lol. Like people will pick me out of the crowd to look at. It’s crazy. 

But Ill close with this, as a believer in Christ, you become one with God and intel know who you are, so I understand the battles that I have to face. Which means that my husband has to understand my battle. The battle that allows me to rest and still enjoy life, but knows how serious I take my job. It’s a refreshing job, with long suffering involved with a pinch of pain at times. The good thing is that God is sustaining and providing along the way. Which is the biggest reason why I have to know who my husband is. He has to be ready to take on how God is using me, because the fight is not light, at times it’s heavy, and only God can say what the future looks like, but what I see right now is that the church is in a reformation stage and correction is needed in a mighty way, and God has placed that mantle on my life. So, it’s kind of funny when I have to turn down the men that have come my way recently, because I know that with my mantle it requires a man that knows how to cover me with the same level mantle or higher. And one thing I don’t want to do, and we all should come to understand is this, we should never marry into battles that God did not intend for us to marry into. 

See just by me doing this, I feel a lot better. Between, being in God’s presence, prayer, being by the water and or writing, is what keeps me in the fight. I’ve noticed how after this 3 day fast I just completed, I was feeling a little discouraged, but me doing this is really helping me which is why I chose to design journals for etsy. And now that God has officially prepared me for my first official teaching, I believe the enemy is fighting me right now in my mind because he knows who I am and what I bring. I’m telling you, knowing your authority is key to the spiritual realm. And when you know that you can shut things down!

Signed,

Your wife